


A Simple Misunderstanding

by thatdamneddame



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 13:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/900945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatdamneddame/pseuds/thatdamneddame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m gay as a maypole!” Thor declares when a rogue reporter finds him eating churros from a food cart and asks for a quote. “Is that not the expression?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Simple Misunderstanding

**Author's Note:**

> I was going through my abandoned fic file and found this gem, half written. I blame prettyasadiagram for its completion.

It’s surprising how long it takes for The Avengers as public figures to turn into A PR Nightmare Shitstorm. What shouldn’t be surprising is that, when it happens, it’s Thor who starts it. But, even SHIELD makes mistakes.

 

***

 

“I’m gay as a maypole!” Thor declares when a rogue reporter finds him eating churros from a food cart and asks for a quote. “Is that not the expression?” he asks in the face of the reporter’s stunned silence. “Gay as the morning of your Christmas, then. As the day is long. I know I have heard those said before.”

Thor does not understand why the reporter expresses such thanks for Thor making his career before dashing away down the street, but, then again, Thor doesn’t really understand everything Midgardians do to begin with.

 

***

 

He doesn’t tell anyone about the reporter. It happens all the time. Usually Thor ends up with pop tarts for life or all you can eat hot dogs out of the deal. He just really likes the food here, okay?

 

***

 

The Avengers assemble in the living room, TMZ playing on mute in the background.

“Thor: Prince of Asgard, Queen of the Universe,” Coulson reads off a tablet, completely stone faced, ignoring Tony’s peals of laughter. “Thor: Earth’s Mightiest Homo. Need I go on?”

“Yes,” Tony manages to wheeze out. “Please go on. I can die a happy man.”

“I do not understand,” Thor says. There’s a montage with a lot of rainbows and glitter and pink playing on the TV. “What is all the fuss about?”

Sometimes Coulson seriously doesn’t get paid enough for this shit.

 

***

 

The Allspeak can do many things, but, as it turns out, it cannot translate idioms.

“Is not the first of May a day of celebration?” Thor asks, brow creased in confusion. “And your Christmas, I know that is a time of good cheer.”

“It’s a pun,” Coulson explains again. “A play on words.” Coulson had kicked the rest of the Avengers out of the living room fairly quickly, after Steve started to monologue about _equality_ and Clint started trying to out-pun Tony. He’s been trying to explain idioms to Thor for over an hour now.

Thor creases his brow in confusion, like Asgard doesn’t do euphemisms, which, really, someone should have been made aware of _much_ sooner. The sound of steel breaking followed by Tony shouting, “I thought we Hulk proofed this entire place,” stops any of Thor’s follow up questions.

Coulson closes his eyes and wishes for sweet death.

 

***

 

There was a time, once, when no one thought Jane was going to make it. Loki was back with a grudge and there was an assorted series of unfortunate events and it looked like the Avengers were not going to have a _happily ever after_ sort of day.

But then, miracle of miracles, things turned around and the Hulk saved the day. And Thor, being an alien prince relatively new to this planet, and being a man whose girlfriend had just been saved from certain death, had taken a hold of Hulk and planted a kiss firmly on his lips.

Bruce’s memories of Hulk-time were fuzzy at best. No one ever mentioned it. It seems like no one ever told that message to the photographer that happened to be there. Oops.

Whoever was working on wrangling the media that day is so fired.

 

***

 

“What you’re telling me is that the reason we all had to sit through that sexual harassment seminar was because Thor _kissed me_.” There is a distinct green tinge to Bruce’s skin.

“Technically he kissed the Other Guy,” Clint helpfully supplies.

“We didn’t want to upset you,” Steve adds. Bruce levels him with a look that says _well that clearly didn’t work_. From the hole in the wall the exact size and shape of the Hulk’s fist, the Avengers can hear the sound of thunder in the distance. The greatest thing about summer storms has always been their timing.

Bruce hangs his head in his hands, and everyone pretends that they’re not letting out a sigh of relief. “Just make it go away.”

Coulson pulls out his cell phone, “On it.”

 

***

 

It should be a simple retraction. A three sentence apology: _Thor, being an alien from another world, was unaware of the euphemisms he used to describe what was simply an enjoyable meal of food cart churros. Through a misfortunate, but understandable, misunderstanding, he took the word “gay” for its traditional, and now outdated, definition of “happy.” He regrets any confusion or outrage this has caused_.

Fury, because he lives to make everyone’s life difficult, has a different idea.

“We are not fucking retracting this,” he growls in the morning, waving Coulson’s neatly printed statement in the air.

“Sir,” Coulson protests, “it was a simple misunderstanding. The Allspeak is not as perfect as we were led to believe.”

“Do you know what everyone was talking about yesterday?” demands Fury, like it’s not Coulson’s fucking job to know. “Thor as an out and proud gay man. We can’t go out there and say _oops, we didn’t mean it_. The public’s going to think that we’re scared of a scandal.”

“We are scared of a scandal. The scandal of Thor actually being in a committed relationship with a _woman_ and not the Hulk.”

Undeterred, Fury continues, giving Coulson a significant look, “They’re going to think that we’re against having a gay Avenger.”

Coulson shouldn’t have to say, _I’m not making out with Clint on TV so you feel better about this_ , but, then again, he never said, _don’t cover my most prized possession in blood just to prove a fucking point_ , and look how that turned out.

“I’m not coming out on national TV just because Thor’s an alien.”

And because Fury was once a terrible friend who ruined Coulson’s most prized possession just to prove a point, he has no choice but to spit out, mutinous, “Fine. But this is your shitshow to manage now.”

Like the Avengers have ever been anything but Coulson’s mess to clean up.

 

***

 

They release Thor’s apology. Half the country is understanding. The other half writes, with varying degrees of success, angry articles about sexual fluidity and gender constructs and media suppression and how Thor is actually super gay for the Hulk. Like, super duper gay for him.

Someone finds Hulk/Thor porn on the internet and shows it to Bruce. The fallout in the Avenger Mansion is so bad that they only ever refer to it as _you know, Tuesday_ , in the hushed tones of people who’d rather forget.

 

***

 

The media circus eventually dies down, as they all do, but it never goes away. Thor gets a L'oreal contract out of it, though.

“Maybe he’s born with it,” Clint likes to whisper, “Maybe it’s Maybelline.”

Both Tony and Natasha have pointed out that this is the wrong slogan. Clint has yet to care.

 

***

 

In the end, Coulson and Clint do make out on national TV. They don’t do it, however, to prove a point. It’s just that sometimes you think your significant other may or may not have been seriously injured in battle and, when they prove to be totally fine, emotions run kind of high.

Tony catcalls. Steve blushes. Natasha ignores them with aplomb.

“The Allspeak,” Thor tells the nearest reporter earnestly, “was not made for this doublespeak you Midgardians like so much. It was made to describe events such as these. Good men have fallen today, but they shall not have died in vain. They shall not go unremembered. And, as my brothers-in-arms know only too well, we must celebrate what we have while we can.”

Behind Thor, and his golden locks blowing in the wind, Clint and Phil are in a passionate embrace standing in the rubble, and Tony yells, “Hey, Thelma and Louise, you’re going to give Cap a heart attack if you don’t get a room soon.”

It is, sadly, a normal day for the Avengers.

 

***

 

T-shirts featuring Hawkeye, _Avenger and Proud_ , printed in purple script below the picture of Clint in that terrible tunic outfit he had to wear in the circus, turn a decent profit with all proceeds going to groups that help LGBT homeless youth.

T-shirts that say _The Hammer Is My Penis_ , featuring Thor riding a rainbow sell better, though. Everyone’s sort of okay with that.


End file.
